Updated: Nov 21
I used to run. A lot. But like, “let's-go-for-a-run-coming-back-2-hours-and-30-kms-later” kinda lot... I didn't really see the "problem" with that back then. I just thought I liked to challenge myself, to see where the mind (more than the body) could take me, but truth be told...
I Was Running Away From Myself
It was hard to see at first, because running had always been a great form of exercise for me. One that would allow my Kapha watery-body to sweat out the excess liquid and move around the sturdiness & steadiness of my body constitution. And so it felt very natural to do it (still does), except that at the time I was doing it waaay too much for it to be "just a normal form of exercise". Pushing myself so hard and running in excess was in itself a giant indicator that something wasn't quite right there, but I didn't really see that at first...
And so, although some good was of course coming out of that running, like keeping the body fit and the heart strong, a lot of damages also piled up. Yes, as much as it feels great to run, running away from your emotions though, can only be a short fix, and one that will undoubtedly cost you a great deal later on down the (running) track.
And so, after a couple of "bad falls" on the coccyx as a teenager and thousands of running miles later, I ended up having this chronic injury in the L5-S1 lumbosacral joint area. I was going from one specialist to another, convinced that my body was unfairly failing me and begging every practitioner to do something about it - but to no avail. I was in my mid-twenties and yet at times I felt like I was carrying around a dead body. The physical pain & discomfort would eventually go away after a while, but only to return a few months later in full force, and as if coming out of nowhere (or so it seems). I was eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, connecting with nature all the time, and yet something kept on coming back. My physical body kept on "freezing" on the spot from time to time, blocking my entire being and leaving it bent in half with the impossibility to move properly. Why did this keep on occurring? Because I was trying to run away. I was running away from myself, from the situation I was stuck in and didn't want to face. So the body simply found a way to make me stop.
Physical Pain is Here to Speak to Us
See, the subconscious mind doesn't have any verbal ways to express its knowledge, only the conscious mind does, through our words. So, depleted from proper means of communication, the subconscious mind decided to utilise the body in order to express and manifest in the world of matter its thoughts & insights. Couldn't it just send a text you may ask? Yes it could have, but the truth is, until it really hurts or diminishes our abilities, we, human beings, won't take the time to stop and assess. And even then, we may not give our pains the full attention they truly deserve. Because until we realise the pain is here to tell us something, we will keep on ignoring it, rejecting it, fuelling it with our resistance, and it will keep on coming back, until we address it and finally cut its roots.
Breaking Up With Chronic Pain
Living with chronic pain should not become a fatality. It does not have to be part of your daily life any longer. I truly believe that we can change our reality.
How did I do it? By making the change my body was begging me to do for all these years. This is how the pain went away. By realising that I was stuck in "Toxic-land" & "Victimhood-Story", and not fulfilling my heart's true desires & life calling. By acknowledging that I was, more than anything, emotionally in pain and prisoner of my mind-identity. Yes, the MRI did show a bulging disc, but so would 90% of MRIs taken amongst a group of random people. Yet only 70% of these same people will experience physical pain. And let's say the 70% are all from the same ethnic background, same gender, have the same age, and are all showing signs of weakness in the L5 area - well there again, even though the pathologies might be the same, the description and localisation of the pain will be different from one person to the other.
Why? Because the pain experienced has more to do with blocked energy due to a personal emotional blockage than an actual fissure in the bone. I know very well how hard this might be to believe at first, (I've been there), but the thing is, I also came back from it. This is why I can say today, wholeheartedly, that physical pain actually find its origin in the mind and through the story of our Persona. Which is great news! Because it means that it can start to go away - one, the day we realise our body is not failing us, but is instead desperately trying to communicate with us and wake us the hell up - and two, when we come to the realisation that we are not the physical body, but "something" way grander which is free of all suffering.
A New Relationship With Exercise
Today I still run, but I run with my Self and not away from myself. I run barefoot on the beach, or through bush tracks while listening to the wisdom of the trees. I do intervals and workouts that fuel my being with Life Force and not deplete it from its vital energy. I run for the joy of running and not for the thrill of suffering.
The day one realises the physical body is nothing more but a bundle of energy and a materialised expression of our thoughts & emotions - everything changes. Physical pain doesn't appear as a random event anymore, but becomes the meaningful & powerful manifestation of suppressed emotions that need to be addressed. When we come to the realisation that the body is simply a vehicle through which Consciousness is expressing itself, a process of dis-identification is initiated and with it the liberation of our being from attachment to pain & suffering.